This meme is inspired by a news article by Paul Baier of the North County Times.
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Here in California, a couple of weeks ago, Governor Schwarzenegger gave his “State of the State” address. (All is well – thank you very much for asking.) Earlier this week, President Bush gave his “State of the Union” address. (All is not well, but here is a plan to fix it.)
In this spirit, under the cut is my “State of the Bill” address.
My fellow humans across the globe, I am pleased to report to you today that the State of the Bill is good. (Applause) However, the new century brings challenges that we must be prepared to address swiftly and decisively. I am confident that we shall meet these tests head on and prevail. (Applause)
First, the state of the Bill’s health is good. We remain surprised that we have survived this long given our family history. Earlier in the life of the Bill, there were things that he wanted to eat, but couldn’t afford. Now that he can afford them, the doctors tell him they are bad for him and he must not eat them. In the coming year, the Bill will look for a doctor who doesn’t believe that fattening food is bad. (Applause) Additionally, we will no longer step on the bathroom scale more than once a month. This way we will not be reminded more than 12 times a year that our weight exceeds our I.Q. (Standing ovation)
Financially, the Bill’s treasury remains solvent. However, economic pressures continue to take a toll on his savings. The rising price of gasoline, cable internet and theatre tickets to see dancing penguins (3 times) in 2006 have started to create negative cash flow which must be addressed by saving more and spending less. However, in the past the Bill has not demonstrated the ability to make the hard choices to save more and spend less. Therefore, we have no reason to believe the Bill’s current financial situation will significantly change in 2007.
Internationally, the Bill is pleased to report that because of the internet, he can claim he has friends and allies across the Pacific and the Atlantic. The sphere of the Bill’s reported influence is growing and we can be proud of that. (Applause)
Mentally, the Bill is doing as well as can be expected for a man suffering from delusions of grandeur (note our international report above). Nevertheless, we have every reason to believe that the Bill’s mental sharpness will not desert him in 2007. (Polite applause)
Here at home, the Bill has been domesticated for more than 35 years. We have every reason to believe this trend will continue in 2007 (unless the Bill does something incredibly stupid). We wish to take this opportunity to recognize three envoys who will carry the Bill’s hopes and dreams into the coming years. I ask that Jordan, Jaida and Madison stand. (Applause) Your Nana and I thank you for being and are pleased that you are here. We ask you to remember that whenever you want something, you should always ask your parents first. We expect you to deplete their savings account before you attempt to suck the life out of ours. (Applause)
My friends, the State of the Bill is strong. We can go forward with confidence — because we really don’t have any other options. God bless and see you next year. (Applause.)