What the Governor Should have Said

Unless you’ve lived in a cave for the last 24 hours, you’re probably aware that the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, admitted to having an affair with a woman from Argentina.  Governor Sanford (at the moment he is still the Governor) had been considered one the rising stars in the Republican Party and a contender for the 2012 nomination of his party. I think it is safe to say that Sanford’s best political days are behind him. Sadly, we have become accustomed to public officials telling us to do one thing in public while they do something else in private. What was striking about the Sanford press conference was that his wife wasn’t there. Nope, the Governor was going to self-destruct without his wife by his side.

 We have to put this in context. On Sunday, Sanford’s wife announces that she doesn’t know where her husband is and that he missed Father’s Day. On Monday, the Lieutenant Governor says, Sanford didn’t check out with him. Later that day, Sanford’s staff say the Governor is hiking along the Appalachian Trail. On Wednesday, Sanford is cornered in the Atlanta airport, where he finally acknowledged that he had been in Argentina for a week.  Afterward, Sanford held a tearful press conference and acknowledged that he’d spent the week “crying in Argentina,” (make your own jokes because I won’t) presumably in the company of his lover.

Let me be clear. Sanford screwed up and he will probably never recover because it turns out the newspapers had the emails he exchanged with his “dear friend.” But his biggest sin? He wasn’t smart enough to lie. The news conference should have gone like this:

Sanford: “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen for attending this briefing. I am asking that you forgive my brevity, but because of time, I can’t take any questions.”

(sighs deeply and looks lost without his wife by his side)

“As most of you know, I was seen last week leaving the executive mansion and then seen today arriving in Atlanta. I do have an explanation.”

(pauses a few seconds for effect and sighs again)

“My answer? Alien abduction. I know it sound implausible, but that’s what happened. I was hiking along the trail as I told my staff I would be, when these aliens in a huge ship snatched me up.”

 (Tears form in his eyes)

 “They did unspeakable things to me and probed me in unmentionable places. I thought I was going to die. My tears and cries of joy…er…pain must have affected these life forms from another world, because they finally decided to let me go. Unfortunately, these aliens had no sense of direction and they dropped me off in Argentina. I was just glad to be alive, but I didn’t have money to call my home or staff. Fortunately, I remember this beautiful woman with great tan lines, warm lips and magic fingers that I had been emailing for a decade or so, so I stayed with her for a few days. Over those days, she helped me remove some of the probes the aliens left behind. She was kind enough to give me airfare and money to call my wife when I arrived back in the states, but I never had a chance to do it because you guys met me at the airport. I owe this woman a great deal and I’ve already made arrangements to visit her again to pay her back for her multiple acts of kindness and attentiveness in inspecting every inch of my body to make sure the aliens didn’t leave any probes. I can’t thank her enough and I will see her soon.”

 (Looks firmly into the camera)

“As for me, I now believe in aliens and I hope the voters of South Carolina do too, especially when my re-election time comes around. Now I ask that you excuse me. I going home where I think the worst of the probing is yet to come.”